.....meh......

I want Excitement. Fun. A change. to successful. to feel young. to get away from the routine. to not have my life be affected by technology. to live. to enjoy life. to not always look at the stress coming ahead. to be able to have stories upon stories to tell, and create laughter. to not waste my time doing nothing. to waste my time in a virtual place. to be considered more then normal. my independence back. to feel like a 23 year old. to feel like im in a mature relationship - not a teenage one. to feel like your best friend. to be a person who can have a 5 hour conversation with you - and not once look away to your phone. to dance to the music. to be spontaneous. to be our own. to not have to bite my tongue from saying what i want. to being able to scream, shout and yell and not feel eyes piercing my back judging me. for you to take me seriously. to not make excuses. to put your dislikes to the side. to actually respond when i talk to you - this includes text message!. to acknowledge that im upset. to not ignore my feelings. 

As the saying goes... "You can't always Get what you want..." But that list isn't asking for anything like a $100,000,000, or anything that is materialistic or unrealistic... they are pretty simple items to understand why someone might want that. After all, you can't put a time limit on a life... it is unpredictable... so why aren't these things being initiated or thought of.. am i the only person who thinks about the unwanted, dreaded and impossible happens? I guess so. 

 

fantasy world - so wish it was real!

I wish i was in my fantasy world. The place where everything is relaxed and i am the person i want to be... this fantasy world is a place far far away... its a little village full of life and culture and theres my house. It sits on a cliff with walk out doors facing the ocean - that has a turquoise coloring and you can see the dolphins swimming... a vine frames the railings of the balcony and purple flowers with red insides bloom. My room is white with cherry wood floors and the bed - oh that's the best part.. its a huge king size canopy bed.. all in white.. the bed is so plush with the most incredible duvet filled with feather.. when you fall back onto it, it comes up around you and surrounds your body. .. the type of person i am in this world.. i am a writer.. i sit on the beach and write. I write about my experiences my dreams, feelings... people everything. i would love to visit this place.. its so perfect im sure i would stay. back to reality. .. damn.

new year.... new me???

... New Year.. kind of an ironic Holiday.. its one that you celebrate the beginning of thinking and try to come up with ways to change a characteristic about yourself, life, attitude - whatever.. the point is everyone uses this time to reflect on how to change and improve their life... well as much as i like this celebrated holiday i find it not logical to only really reflect on one day a year that your going to decide to change. .. It's even more of a downfall when your ultimate plan of success or your goal isn't achieved. For me, my goal was a personal issue - something that i considered quite rational and something that effects the way that i communicate with my other... but somehow it wasn't heard - or taken seriously.. it was brushed off like it never happened - it wasn't mentioned and that's about it.. maybe it got a second thought not sure. but from what i can tell it doesn't seem that way. And i am the "bad guy" for making it an issue .. as apparently it's not.. . ugh. whatever right. it's hard when i am trying to give the benefit of the doubt to put more of an effort forth and to still keep my own dignity and it doesn't seem like this all matters or like it was taken to heart. it makes me want to shout at the top of my lungs to make sure I'm being heard. make sure my message is getting through. talking to someone who appears as if I'm talking to a wall really doesn't help. it just means they are kind of hearing the message but not really paying attention.... especially when there is no response. what a wonderful way to start the new year. fuck.