life.

Well..it's been a while.. things have changed.
1. moving out - check.
2. "G" in process - check.
3. birth certificate - check
4. new bed - check.
5. Graduate on the honor roll - check.

i think you get the picture.. the pieces are starting to finally fall into the places they belong... however there is still a lot of major things that need to happen such as no longer a subway employee, having a vehicle.... that accomplished feeling.
I feel like everything has been done ass backwards in my life - i think its just where im at right now.. but still never the less.
June is going to be insanely crazy for things going on, things happening, everything and then some.

i would love to be able to be in a position of where getting pregnant and starting a family was an option - but its not. I have no more patients to put up with petty bullshit anymore either especially being this stressed out... theres soo much to do and pack but its hard just trying to find the time - and that makes it worse especially when i cant pack anything up for a couple more weeks anyway.

I am sure there will be certain people who wont be able to say anything positive about it and let me tell you i will be damn sure reality sinks in to them and i will lay it all out.

------------ i'm done for the night.

x0-

.....meh......

I want Excitement. Fun. A change. to successful. to feel young. to get away from the routine. to not have my life be affected by technology. to live. to enjoy life. to not always look at the stress coming ahead. to be able to have stories upon stories to tell, and create laughter. to not waste my time doing nothing. to waste my time in a virtual place. to be considered more then normal. my independence back. to feel like a 23 year old. to feel like im in a mature relationship - not a teenage one. to feel like your best friend. to be a person who can have a 5 hour conversation with you - and not once look away to your phone. to dance to the music. to be spontaneous. to be our own. to not have to bite my tongue from saying what i want. to being able to scream, shout and yell and not feel eyes piercing my back judging me. for you to take me seriously. to not make excuses. to put your dislikes to the side. to actually respond when i talk to you - this includes text message!. to acknowledge that im upset. to not ignore my feelings. 

As the saying goes... "You can't always Get what you want..." But that list isn't asking for anything like a $100,000,000, or anything that is materialistic or unrealistic... they are pretty simple items to understand why someone might want that. After all, you can't put a time limit on a life... it is unpredictable... so why aren't these things being initiated or thought of.. am i the only person who thinks about the unwanted, dreaded and impossible happens? I guess so. 

 

fantasy world - so wish it was real!

I wish i was in my fantasy world. The place where everything is relaxed and i am the person i want to be... this fantasy world is a place far far away... its a little village full of life and culture and theres my house. It sits on a cliff with walk out doors facing the ocean - that has a turquoise coloring and you can see the dolphins swimming... a vine frames the railings of the balcony and purple flowers with red insides bloom. My room is white with cherry wood floors and the bed - oh that's the best part.. its a huge king size canopy bed.. all in white.. the bed is so plush with the most incredible duvet filled with feather.. when you fall back onto it, it comes up around you and surrounds your body. .. the type of person i am in this world.. i am a writer.. i sit on the beach and write. I write about my experiences my dreams, feelings... people everything. i would love to visit this place.. its so perfect im sure i would stay. back to reality. .. damn.

new year.... new me???

... New Year.. kind of an ironic Holiday.. its one that you celebrate the beginning of thinking and try to come up with ways to change a characteristic about yourself, life, attitude - whatever.. the point is everyone uses this time to reflect on how to change and improve their life... well as much as i like this celebrated holiday i find it not logical to only really reflect on one day a year that your going to decide to change. .. It's even more of a downfall when your ultimate plan of success or your goal isn't achieved. For me, my goal was a personal issue - something that i considered quite rational and something that effects the way that i communicate with my other... but somehow it wasn't heard - or taken seriously.. it was brushed off like it never happened - it wasn't mentioned and that's about it.. maybe it got a second thought not sure. but from what i can tell it doesn't seem that way. And i am the "bad guy" for making it an issue .. as apparently it's not.. . ugh. whatever right. it's hard when i am trying to give the benefit of the doubt to put more of an effort forth and to still keep my own dignity and it doesn't seem like this all matters or like it was taken to heart. it makes me want to shout at the top of my lungs to make sure I'm being heard. make sure my message is getting through. talking to someone who appears as if I'm talking to a wall really doesn't help. it just means they are kind of hearing the message but not really paying attention.... especially when there is no response. what a wonderful way to start the new year. fuck.

A ramble...A rant...The usual!

Well.. all I must say is that i really can't believe it is March already. I haven't blogged in quite a bit.. I suppose I wait until i have mass amounts of stress, idea's or frustrations on my mind. On the other hand, I applied for college - as i said in a previous blog i was going to apply for PSW - and i was ACCEPTED!.. yay! that was a good booster, made me feel like I'm going to get somewhere and like the light at the end of the tunnel is starting to shine again. 

I love the weather. I hope it keeps up... It makes me really anxious for summer time. The other day I was swinging on the swings... made me feel so comfortable and like everything went away... i enjoyed it a lot. 

So... Do you ever feel like one day you wake up and everything has totally changed but you don't recall it all changing? I do. I have had that feeling a lot lately... I feel like the romance that was in my relationship is now gone.. we are almost 3 months shy of a year. ... and we are pretty spontaneous with our sex life.... but it just feels like we're getting into this rut of having sex once a day - only at night before bed quick on and off... no kisses...no real big foreplay.. and if it is it feels like its all expected to be me giving him the pleasing and then its like we get right to sex. sometimes it's as cold as just getting it over with...meanwhile i lay there after most of the time not satisfied at all while he'e already half sleeping. 

I feel kinda low too, this week has been that lovely time of month and okay whatever thats fine.. so i caught him the other night looking at porn.. okay whatever.. all guys do it. .. but then i thought too considering of the timing that he just needed something extra.. but then when everything is in the okay.. nothing. 

His way of trying to initiate it tonite was after i asked him to roll over and snuggle me.. but no kisses nothing to make me feel like really getting in the mood. So then this whole porn thing starts to bother me... I mean he  is looking at it.. but when im there he can't be affectionate like he used to be? and when i ask him to kiss me more its like its a big deal.. i like being kissed. 

And so tonight i tried to mention it.. and he doesn't ever say anything back.. he goes.. well atleast we are still having sex... right. Bottom line... makes me feel like blah... makes me want to cry.

goodnight i suppose.

With Caution...

Warning: Not even school or all of the role models in the world can prepare you for the experiences and events that will occur to a human being during the first 25 years of their life.

So, I am sure anyone reading this can assume from the headline that it this blog will be pretty self explanatory... If it isn't then in simple terms, let's talk/rant about life.

When I was little - were talking like 8 years - I used to have this ideal picture of how my life would be... I would be married and would have had an extravagant wedding... and well thats as far as it would be.

When I was a little older and had gone through some changes in school, family, personal, friends then that ideal picture starts to change. Around the age of 15, boys where my world, but at that time I also had encountered experiences that changed my perception of what my ideally perfect life should be. I wanted to be independent and successful just not sure how.

So, skipping the high-school drama of boys and girl fights I had thought I made a pretty decent choice. Before I even start, I was not an easy girl to get through school... I was very stubborn and really couldn't care. I would rather be somewhat reckless and have fun! At that time that's what I was serious about. Moving on...At the extended end of high school, I had made a decision and a plan that wouldn't fail... so I thought. 

The plan was "approved" by my few close friends, co-workers, family, and general acquaintances. This plan... Move to Belleville- Why? because it was a new experience and far away from Mount Forest. Attend College for Advertising and Marketing - Fun course and interested in it.  The finished product of the plan...

To be living in Europe or upscale Toronto in a trendy loft and location. To be employed with Flair or Vogue Magazine. To be a fashionista, size zero and completely independent...and as for that male species...no where to be seen or defined and adoption was going to be my route.

Well... HA HA HA.. totally didn't turn out any bit that way what so ever. It is very much the opposite of everything I thought my ideal life would be. I will admit, I am a very selfish person when it comes to my personal life. 

So, here is my situation now in a bulleted list form... easier to break down.

-Living in a city, with my Boyfriend, his father and brother.

-Graduated from advertising/marketing...and yet to find a job.

-Decision has been made to go back to school for P.S.W.

-Working a low income job now, only place that would give me a chance.

-Frustrated.

And here is the oh so famous plan for the next two years.

-Moved into my/our own place ( ahhh relaxation, privacy, and showers together!)

- graduated and working in my field.

- Financially stable/flexible 

- To be engaged.

So that is it. Hopefully it works out... I just hope that my list isn't a one way thinking list. 

I am not sure what triggered this blog maybe the fact that I have sleep issues and can't relax enough to sleep not sure... but I guess just the general ponder of where I was and where I am and everything I have gone through in 22 years (and counting).. well Goodnight!

Vic.

The greatness of advanced technology. HA!

"Life is a bowl of cherries" - yea right, maybe for the male population. Todays dating scene with regard to "rules" of  what you can do and what you cant do have totally been pushed aside, and now with the oh so wonderful advance in technology the genius cell phone now comes into play. 

Funny isn't it,  a great technological advance can cause so much drama. But its not just the cell phone being able to take pictures or videos but also receive text messages. Which i am sure cause lots of problems with couples... as a text message is a conversation that is silent and private. Also you can reach that contact at any time of day - which leads me further into this blog.

So as I was saying about the dating "rules" changing I am sure you can see what I am talking about... How do you set those rules, are you going to play that possessive girlfriend/boyfriend and demand to know everything and everyone they text? Or you can play that not a big deal and let them have their privacy and you know that if they want to share their text they will... with this role you can assume there is nothing that the other person would be hiding. 

So this leads me further to wonder if you have that kind of role where you give the person their privacy but then you notice the secrecy that is then being established by the other person such as guarding their phone, taking their phone when gone to the bathroom, and most of all when you ask who you are you texting and don't get an answer and then the next morning you ask again and they say a friend when normally if it was a friend they would tell you- no questions asked. Also when your boyfriend isn't a big texter but all of a sudden in a 5 hour period develops into one that should wave some flags. 

Maybe the conversation isn't indecent and completely harmless why act like it is then? If you have a relationship which you believe is trusting and open to each other why be secretive and sneaky... However when this other party (opposite sex) is texting your boyfriend/girlfriend and letting them know that they are still in bed.. and just woke up after texting them till early hours of the morning.. well that holds alot more then just simply texting someone. 

I am sure a large portion of the population aged 21 to 26 can agree that you dont text a member of the opposite sex who you know is taken telling them that you are still laying in bed and just woke up with a provocative manor/tone. 

ALSO, on top of this the other party keeps asking about their girlfriend and how they are living together as if prying to get the details on the relationship... especially asking how their girlfriend is when they dont even know her... to further discuss this topic.. I am pretty sure sending this member a picture of her half naked body follows under the topic of "are you fucking kidding me!" especially when an excuse comes to follow with some lame reasoning.. let alone this picture was saved to the phone. ALSO... before that picture i believe that calling this person to wish them a happy new year would be far from normal.. oh but apparently this person is a true and meaningful friend... yeaa bullshit!.... This blog is literally just a rant. But anyone reading it im sure has felt some insecurity with some kind of technological advance when it comes to dating.... so Life is a bowl of cherries... sometimes you just bite into the really sour kind or the really sweet kinds.